I guess Matt and I got a little ahead of our selves by telling people about the baby we are expecting. As of June 28, 12 weeks along, the doctor could not find a heartbeat but she said she wanted to make sure; so she sent us down to imaging to get an official ultrasound and have the radiologist check. The baby did not make it past 9 weeks. We could see a head and limbs but he or she never had a heartbeat.
I have been devastated about it because I thought it would never happen to me. I was really naive. I thought it would be just like my first pregnancy and everything would go normal. I guess I should have never assumed it would be fine. I now know how a few of my friends have felt recently. We are just waiting now to see if my body will miscarry on its own or if I need to have a D&C done. Either way it is hard to deal with. I would never wish this on any one.
I feel like I lost a child that I have known for years. Who would have thought carrying a child for only 12 weeks would have made me so attached? I loved this child as much as I love Matthew and know I will have my chance to raise him or her someday in heaven.
I am scared and very sad but we will make it through this. I think I am still in shock but writing about makes me feel better. I guess it is the journalist in me. I just know that everything will work out in the end. I have already been blessed with a beautiful little boy who loves me and I love him.
3 comments:
Oh honey I'm so sorry! I've had 2 miscarriages and I know it hurts... Remember it's not your fault. And that child had a beautiful time with their mommy while they were here. Hang in there, and let me know if you need anything.
I don't think anyone ever said anything that really made me feel better. I just appreciated permission to mourn (you may find that people expect you to bounce back and think it's no big deal - but it is). So if you want to call me and cry, or be angry, or just talk, or go get Thai food, I've got time. Or, if I might make a recommendation, a Burn Notice marathon and eating out every meal for about a week straight seemed to be just what I needed...
P just told me about your miscarriage, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it's been. We will be praying for you guys.
I'm happy I found your blog, and I'm excited to follow along and keep up with you guys! Sorry we never got together before we left. Things were so crazy busy but hopefully we can see you over the Holiday when we come home.
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